Here - A Carl Grimes Fanfiction
by ScatteredSoliloquy
Summary: "Why am I not dead yet? What do I have left to live for?" Sixteen-year-old Rosie is a survivor of the apocalypse. Her only purpose day in and day out is to keep her and her younger brother, Talmadge, alive. But when the two loners encounter Rick Grimes and his group, Rosie must put aside her traumatic past and decide if maybe there's more to life than just surviving.
1. Chapter 1 - No Sanctuary

**Chapter 1 - No Sanctuary**

My name is Rosie Morrison, and I'm a survivor.

 _Why am I not dead yet?_

I woke up sitting against the wall of an empty delivery van with a rifle in my lap. I didn't remember falling asleep. Panicked, I quickly looked around the van, but everything seemed normal. My younger brother, Talmadge, was asleep at my feet, sprawled out and with his butt in the air. His long, spindly limbs barely fit in our cramped living quarters. I nose-laughed to myself. He always was a violent sleeper. The sun wasn't completely up yet. I contemplated whether to let Tal sleep or to wake him for a quick supply run. The night before had been rough. Some corpses had followed us back to the van when we went to collect water and didn't leave until well after dark.

I decided to let him sleep until the sun was just barely peeking over the trees. I ate a small amount of water and freeze-dried bananas to give me energy for the long day ahead, then grabbed my gun and slung it over my shoulder. I cautiously opened the back door of the van and scanned the surrounding forest for corpses, then adjusted the branches and things we had used to camouflage the van. Some of them had fallen down in the attack last night. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a window. My brown, wavy-curly hair was long and wild, like there could be birds living in it, and my light skin was peeling from endless sunburns. Freckles were scattered on my skin where the sun hit it most often, almost indiscernible through all the dirt covering me. My eyes were still blue. I don't know why this was surprising to me-I guess I felt like they should have been dead and cloudy by then. Corpse eyes. I looked myself in the eye for a few more seconds before quickly covering the van. Sometimes the reflection of the sun on the glass attracted the dead, but we were more afraid of the living at that point.

I climbed back inside to wake up Tal. His face looked more sunken-in than ever. I tried not to think about it most of the time, and besides, mine probably looked just as sickly. While Tal sat up, I took out my leather-bound notebook and pocket scriptures from my utility jacket. These were my most prized possessions. They were all I had left.

"Today is October 1st," I said. There was a calendar in the front pages of my notebook. Over the years I kept track of what days went past. It was part of what kept us going.

Then we prayed, read some verses of scripture, and packed up. That was the other part of what kept us going.

There was a town nearby that we got supplies from. It was a pit-stop of a town, really, but it was still pretty picked-over by the time we got there. What isn't these days?

As we walked, we played twenty questions, but it usually ended up being fifty questions and then giving the other person the answer. Either we were getting too good at picking unguessable things or we we really sucked at guessing.

We did a quick sweep through some houses we hadn't entered yet and found some random pantry items and a shovel, along with a handful of corpses. Tal and I barely flinched now as we took turns driving our knives through their skulls. We had a system worked out, and as long as there were only a few at a time, we could easily take care of ourselves.

We called it a day when the supplies became too much to carry, but with the sun still high in the sky, there was plenty of time left in the day. We put the supplies in a shopping basket we snagged from a convenience store and decided to head back to the van a different way. I knew this was dangerous since we didn't know the area and we could get lost, but I reasoned that we had time to spare.

We found a small grove of mulberry bushes and gathered as many berries as we could bring with us.

"We used to eat these when we were little," I said with a smile, "when we lived in that little farmhouse."

"Really?" Tal said, tilting his head to see me through the bushes.

"Yeah. You used to eat all the ones that weren't ripe and make yourself sick," I laughed.

"I was two!" He said indignantly. Tal was twelve now, but he was already almost as tall as I was. My family had always been early bloomers, and his growth spurt was certainly welcome if it meant he could more easily defend himself.

I wanted to change the subject. It hurt too much to think about my family, and I couldn't afford to let myself feel it. I had to protect the family I had left.

I glanced over at Tal. "I need to cut your hair again."

"Okay," he said simply, his fine, caramel hair hanging forward like a curtain. Before, he used to put up a huge fuss when it was hair-cutting time. Now, things like appearances were too trivial to even cross our minds.

We eventually came into a clearing; it was a railroad. I was surprised that we didn't see it sooner, it wasn't too far from our van. Farther down the railroad, I could see there was a sign of some kind. We walked up to it, ignoring the corpse-snarling sounds that were coming from that direction.

"Sanctuary for all, community for all. Those who arrive, survive," I read. Below it was a map marking the location of this so-called sanctuary.

"Huh... Terminus," Talmadge said. He looked up the road where some corpses had gathered. "Do you think it's for real?"

"I dunno," I said, not wanting to get my hopes up.

By then the sun was low, so we made our way back to the van. Talmadge made me swear that we would follow the railroad the next day, so I made sure to get some good sleep. I took out my notebook and my scriptures. Nestled in the pages was the only thing I had left of my family. I set a creased, well-worn photo in my lap. There was my mom, beautiful and dark-haired and funny. My dad, a big, strong man with a scruffy beard but a big softie at heart. And then my twin brother, Hyatt, about as tall and lanky and teenager-y as you could get. Tal, who was only eight years old in this picture, was growing up just like him. No matter how many times I looked at it, I never recognized myself in this picture. Not only because I was younger, but because the girl in the picture was from a different world. She wasn't me.

I closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed that Tal and I would be watched over and I prayed that I would have the strength to keep going. This was my time to feel it, to feel everything. This was my time to remember.

I wrote a quick one-sentence entry in my notebook. "Oct. 1 - Found a railroad."

I quickly faded into sleep.

 _Why am I still alive?_

 _What do I have left to live for?_

The next day came much faster than I wanted it to. It always did. Before we left the van, I packed my bag with a little more than I usually did, just in case something was up with the railroad. That was practically our motto: just in case.

We came out to the railroad a little further down than before. The sign we saw the day before was behind us.

"Hold up. I wanna grab some of those berries," Tal said. We started walking up the road the way we came.

"Wait wait wait," I stopped in my tracks and grabbed Tal by his hoodie, "the sign-the sign!"

On the terminus sign, the whole thing had been blocked out in blood, except for the word "SANCTUARY," and the word "NO" had been written above it. I ran closer to the sign to inspect it. "It's fresh," I said, "Someone's close."

A wave of terror ran through me. And these days, it took a lot to do that. Immediately, the two of us rushed for cover in the bushes, firearms at the ready.

"This was a bad idea. Let's go back," I said to Tal. He nodded. "We'll wait it out in the van."

I didn't know who these people were or what they were up to, but I sure as heck wasn't about to find out. With our limited tracking skills, we tried to figure out which way the other people went, but we figured they would just keep following the railroad. We veered off the road straight into the woods. After walking for a while, we were almost lost. Tal was leading me because he had a better sense of direction. There were so few corpses around it was almost suspicious. We were next to a steep embankment when Tal stopped and noticed on the ground a bunch of nuts and berries, where there were no trees around. I thought maybe a squirrel had left them there. Our hunger was growing sharp at that point so we went over to gather some of it. That's when I heard a man's voice yelling for help.

We grabbed our weapons and looked down the embankment where the yelling was coming from. I couldn't see to the bottom of the tall, steep hill because there was too much greenery.

"Come on," Tal said, walking down to the man, "Rosie, we have to help."

"No, Tal, wait!" I chased after him, "It could be a trap." I followed him, rifle in hand, through the trees as the man continued to plead for help.

"I see him," Tal said, "He's down on that rock."

The man was in a black suit and barely out of reach of a half dozen corpses.

"Why doesn't he have a-" I began to say, but the both of us stepped onto a patch of slick mud and promptly slid all the way down to the boulders below. The sudden movement drew half the corpses our way, and I actually fell right into one. It viciously snapped its teeth in my face, inches away from my jugular. I screeched for Tal to help me, but I didn't hear any response. As I struggled and failed to push the corpse away and reach for my knife at the same time, I heard a loud shot being fired. The blow landed in the head of the corpse and liquified brain splattered all over me. I pushed the thing off and got up, expecting to see Tal and ready to fight off the corpses that the gunshot had attracted. Instead, I saw a big group of people rushing to kill all the corpses around the man in the black suit, whom I now saw was a Catholic priest. I was so rattled that I just joined in. Once all the corpses were dead, the priest jumped down. The energy was calm now, and as I scanned the group, I realized that I didn't know where Talmadge was.

"Tal!" I called, looking frantically around. I heard him moaning from behind the boulder.

As the priest guy vomited in front of the group of newcomers, I stumbled through the rocks and undergrowth to find Tal huddled behind the boulder. He had hit his head on the way down the embankment. His head was bleeding but, to my relief, it wasn't too serious. I helped him stand up and used one arm to support him and the other to hold up my knife towards the group of strangers. They had been talking to the priest, but then their attention shifted to me. They looked at me cautiously, but I could see that they didn't consider me much of a threat. I couldn't blame them, I would have probably thought the same. My appearance wasn't exactly intimidating; I was blood-covered, exhausted, and only a handful of inches over five feet tall.

"You all right?" one of them asked. It was a woman with shoulder-length brown hair. Her expression was soft but guarded.

I nodded.

A man with a beard spoke up. "Are you with Father Gabriel here?" He meant the priest guy. I shook my head.

"You gotta name?" I didn't answer. I wanted to leave immediately, before I found out what these people wanted from me.

"What're you doing here?" The beard guy asked.

When I again answered with silence, Father Gabriel answered for me. "I-I think they were trying to help me, but they fell down that hill."

Beard guy turned to me. "Is that true?"

I nodded.

"Is he gonna be okay?" he gestured towards my brother.

I nodded again, but this time I decided to speak. "He just hit his head."

Tal looked like he was teetering on the brink of consciousness. I was losing my grip on him to keep him upright. Beard guy saw this started approaching me, but I raised my knife on him, my eyes threatening. He put up his hands.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm only tryna help," he said softly.

"I don't need your help," I spat, but even as I said it I knew I couldn't hold Tal for much longer. Right when Tal collapsed, the bearded guy was able to catch him before he hit the ground.

"I got 'em," he said. He picked up Tal in his arms, then looked at me while I stood with a "don't try anything" look on my face and a rifle pointed at his face.

"He could have a concussion. We need to find him somewhere to lie down," the brunette girl said.

"You said you have a church?" a dark-skinned woman with long dreadlocks said to Father Gabriel.

"Y-yes," Gabriel replied.

"Is it far?" beard guy asked.

"No, not far. I can show you."

"Okay then," beard guy turned to me, "Will you come with us?"

I tried to act threatening but really I was terrified. "I don't even know you."

"I'm Rick. This here is my family. What's your name?"

My eyes flickered to the faces in his group. "I'm Rosie. That's my brother, Talmadge."

"Nice to meet you Rosie." He asked again if I would come with them.

The idea of joining up with strangers made me sick, but it seemed like I had no other options.

Rick could sense my hesitation. "You can trust us, I swear."

I lowered my rifle ever so slightly. I had made a decision. "...Fine. I'll go for Talmadge. But just... just know I'm not staying, and that I will shoot you all if anything happens."

Rick gave me a serious but knowing look. "'Wouldn't expect nothin' less."


	2. Chapter 2 - Familiar Face

**Chapter 2 - Familiar Face**

I was starting to wonder what I had gotten us into. I was with strangers, following them to who knows where. For all I knew, they could all be working together and the priest had just been the bait to get us near them. I started planning out how I would get us out of there, how I would grab Tal and kill as many of them as I could.

"Hey dad," said a voice behind me. I was walking next to Rick, who still had Talmadge in his arms.

I turned around. It was a boy. He looked about my age, maybe a year younger, judging by his short height and deep voice. He was holding a baby girl. Without thinking, I smiled at her. I couldn't remember the last time I saw a baby, but I guess my automatic reactions were still somewhere in the recesses of my brain.

"Did you ask her the questions yet?" the boy said to his dad, staring into my face like he was searching for something. My brow furrowed slightly as I did the same to him. He reminded me of someone, but I couldn't place who.

"No, I didn't," Rick said. He shifted Talmadge in his arms turned to me, his expression serious. "How many walkers have you killed?"

 _That must be what they call the corpses,_ I thought. I barely had to think before I answered, "Too many to count."

"How many people have you killed?"

That question caught me off-guard. My mind began racing, making me think of all the things I had refused to think about for a long time now. My face trembled ever so slightly as I answered, "Six or seven."

Rick nodded and spoke again. "Why?"

I adjusted the rifle slung over my shoulder. "They hurt my family," I said. My voice shook, even though I was trying my hardest to look strong. Even after everything, all the crap I'd been through, I still couldn't keep my composure. It made me frustrated.

"Alright then," Rick said. The baby started fussing then, and Rick turned to the boy.

"Carl, could you take Judith to Tyreese? He's got her food."

"Sure, Dad," he said, starting to turn around.

I could almost feel my brain digging through its forgotten memory bank as I stared at the boy. Suddenly something clicked in my mind, so forcefully and unexpectedly that I exclaimed, "OH!" and scared half the group. "Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait. What? Carl Grimes?"

"Yeah...?" Carl said uneasily. Everyone looked nervous.

"Do you... do you remember me? We were friends in elementary school," I watched his face for any signs that he recognized me.

He must have, because it hit him just like it hit me. "Rosie Morrison?" he said, shocked.

"Yes!" I said.

"Hold on a minute. You know her?" Rick said.

"Yeah! We were good friends until she moved away," he paused, "You've met her too, dad. She came to pretty much all my birthday parties until I was, like, eleven."

I lit up as I remembered. "Yeah! You had a clown one year right? It was... we were, like, seven. And I won some glow-in-the-dark stars from Pin the Tail on the Donkey!" The memories kept flooding in. "And Mr. Grimes! I remember I called you Mr. Crimes because you were a sheriff and I thought I was funny... And you showed me that magic trick where you take off your finger!"

Rick threw his head back, laughing.

I kept going. "I still have no idea how you did that. It mystified me for years," I said.

That was the most remembering I had done in a while. I was almost dizzy from all the happy memories spinning out of control in my head, but I kind of liked it.

Then Rick asked about my parents, and I was launched back into reality. I shut the door on my emotions and answered vaguely. My life now didn't allow for those kind of happy moments. Still, it was nice to see a familiar face.

For a while, I fell into step with Rick and Carl. I felt uncomfortable being at the front of the group, where I couldn't keep my eye on everyone, but I wanted to keep close to Tal. When Rick got too tired, a man named Tyreese took a turn holding Tal and I fell back to walk with him. I saw Carl slowly making his way backwards through the group to walk with me. He tried to be casual about it, but I noticed because I was watching him more than I cared to admit.

It was strange seeing him again, after all these years, especially now that he was so much... older. I mean, I know I had grown up too since we were eleven, but the Carl I knew still had his baby fat and cried when I tried to hand him a grasshopper. I never took him for the type that would have, you know, survived. The thing was, he was so innocent in my memories. Now, there was something about him that was somehow harder. Colder. Like his childhood had been sucked into a black hole inside himself. He had changed a lot, that's all. At least, that was what I told myself when I couldn't stop staring at him.

But there was also something about the way he looked at me from under the brim of his hat. Something about the way his cotton shirt clung to his broadened-out shoulder blades.

I was snapped out of my staring. We had arrived at the church.

Rick immediately made sure that the place was safe, then the rest of us filed in. I heard some of the group arguing. Something about going to Washington, DC. Whatever it was, I didn't care. Even if I did find some people I knew, I was going to leave the first chance I got. The apocalypse had affected all people in different ways, and I was smart enough to know that just because someone was good before, it didn't mean they were still good after.

Tal was set down on one of the pews. By then I was a nervous wreck because he wouldn't wake up. I kept pacing back and forth next to the pews.

"He'll be fine, he's probably just tired," the brunette girl reassured me. I later learned she was called Maggie. She had a face that I wanted to trust. And she was right, he opened his eyes not long after that. Maggie asked him questions like "what's your name?" and "how old are you?" just to test for amnesia, because I guess that can happen with a concussion. Then she told him to take it easy and not move for the rest of the day. I felt like I could finally breathe.

Soon after settling in, most of the group set off to go find supplies. They took Father Gabriel with them, so I took the opportunity to poke around a little bit. It kept me busy instead of going insane with worry. I whispered to Tal that I was going to have a look around and then snuck out the front door unnoticed.

The woods around the church were pretty thick, enough to hide in. I ventured through the trees to a huge, thick log. I saw a squirrel perched on the log, frozen while it stared at me. I could have shot it, but I didn't want to deal with the corpses it would attract.

Just as I thought this, the squirrel darted away and I turned around to kill a corpse that was behind me. I thought I heard more dead coming, so I jumped behind the log to hide and looked at the church, where the noise was coming from.

It wasn't a corpse, it was Carl. He was scoping out the perimeter of the church, like I had been doing. He dragged his fingers along the shutters on the outside walls. For some reason, I felt embarrassed to be watching him, like I needed to hold my breath. With no one around, I stared at him as much as I wanted. My eyes traveled from his hat, to the hair stuck to his forehead and neck, to his gangly teenage boy limbs, to his mud-caked boots.

I had never had very much experience with boys thus far in my life. By the time I went through puberty, the world ended shortly thereafter and I didn't exactly have time to send love notes and go on dates. The only teenage male I knew was my brother, and he wasn't even considered a teen yet. So it was very confusing, looking at Carl then. What was so different about him? Why did I feel so weird when he looked at me?

For a second I thought that he glanced my way, and I quickly ducked down behind my log, praying he didn't see me. I peeked at him tentatively, but he showed no signs that he knew I was there. I slouched to the ground in relief. Sitting against the log, I decided to write about what had happened that day in my pocket journal. I took it out and wrote, "Busy day. Found a group, now at a church. Tal has concussion. Don't trust them. Leaving tomorrow." I always tried to keep things short, just in case I ran out of room.

After that, I took out my knife and began absentmindedly carving at things. I cut the heads off of passing ants and smirked as they ran around aimlessly. I quietly sang to myself some old showtunes that had survived in my memory.

Suddenly there was a body right next to me, and my brain registered that it wasn't a corpse as I gasped in surprise and raised my knife to its throat. The person raised its hands in surrender. It was Carl.

I let out my pinched breath and lowered my knife. "Carl!" I said. There was a moment where I had to let my heart rate return to normal. I tried to say more but my lungs were too overwhelmed to push out any words.

He raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything either.

"What are you doing?" I said, peeved.

He countered with another question. "Why were you watching me?"

My already sweaty face heated up. "I-I wasn't! I was looking for corpses." I quickly said the first lie I could think of.

He knew I was lying, but was decent enough to drop it. His eyes were on me, and not in a friendly way. He was sizing me up, discerning how much of a threat I was. I didn't mind, because I had been doing the same to every person I had met that day. Especially him.

"How have you been?" he asked suddenly, bursting the small pause of silence.

I looked at him incredulously.

He shrugged.

I humored him with a response. "Great. World ended."

"Same," he said with a wry smile.

We sat in a somewhat awkward silence for a few minutes before I stood up and started walking towards the church. I was walking inside when Carl caught my arm. I flinched away reflexively.

"Uh, I found something, if you wanna check it out," he said.

I nodded and followed him. He led me to the side of the church and showed me the deep cuts in the shutters. Then he pointed to some words scratched into the exterior wall.

"You'll burn for this," I whispered, "What in the..?"

"I don't know if we can trust this pastor," Carl said, almost to himself.

"I don't know if I can trust anyone," I said, also to myself.

"...Yeah. But you can trust us," Carl said.

"Just sayin' so doesn't make any difference."

"Yeah," he said, nodding.

"I don't know any of you," I added, like I thought I had to argue my point.

"You know me."

"Barely."

"Then get to know us," he said simply. He was very to-the-point, like he thought things were always in black and white.

I pondered this as I leaned my head on the wall. "Why should I?" I asked. My voice was tired and strained. I hadn't noticed until then.

He shifted his feet and leaned against the wall, mirroring my stance. "Because… These people, they're all I have. We're family. You could be a part of that. You _want_ to be a part of that."

I raised my eyebrows. "Do I?"

"Yeah. You do."

He looked at me for a few seconds, not saying anything. His expression was impossible to read. "Besides, it's been a while since I had a friend," he said casually.

I opened my mouth to say that I didn't have friends anymore but the rest of the group had returned from their supply run. Carl looked at them, then looked back at me before jogging over to his dad.

I had to admit, I liked the idea of having someone other than Tal. But I also dreaded it, because it meant I had more to lose.


	3. Chapter 3 - Human

**Chapter 3 - Human**

Later that night, the group had what we considered a feast. The canned food they gathered at the food bank was enough for everyone to have some. I was overwhelmingly grateful to have some food for Talmadge and I, but I didn't thank them out loud. I was afraid to, because then I would be acknowledging the debt I now owed. I brought over a can of baked beans for the two of us to share. I sat Tal up gently, being careful to avoid his injuries. I wanted so badly to baby him, but he insisted that he felt perfectly fine. We scooped the beans out with our hands as we watched the mood of the room shift to something resembling joviality. It was a beautiful thing to watch, really. This room of strangers who had acted so hostile before was melting in the candlelight, and there was a warm feeling of what can only be described as family. For the first time, I felt jealous of them. I couldn't remember the last time I felt as happy as they did right then.

My gaze shifted from person to person, conversation to conversation. I had just about learned everyone's names by now. Maggie was talking to a girl named Tara, and they hugged. Sasha was kissing a cheerful-looking man named Bob, and then Sasha got up and took Judith from Tyreese.

I watched Judith for a while. The sight of such innocence, such purity, made my heart feel swollen. I almost wanted to cry as I saw people stroke her chubby cheeks and make her giggle. It was miraculous, but it was also heartbreaking to me. _Pull yourself together, Rosie_ , I told myself. _It's just a baby._ Finally she made it back into Rick's arms, and the way he softened his rugged, bearded face when he looked at her was absolutely precious. I wondered to myself when I had gotten so mushy, or if I had always been that way. Despite myself, I felt a smile starting to form at my lips.

My eyes often shifted over to Carl, but I tried not to, because he caught my gaze almost every time and I had to look away.

A big, burly man with gingery hair stood up and proposed a toast. I learned his name was Abraham. He then made some big speech about going to Washington, D.C.

 _Why are they so set on D.C.?_ I thought, _How can it be any better than here?_

Apparently, the big dude with the mullet, Eugene, had some sort of miracle cure for the corpses. I found this really hard to believe. The whole group must have had a lot of faith in him, because it was decided that they were all going to D.C.

I looked at Tal, with a look that said it all: we weren't staying. But I was surprised when he didn't reciprocate the look. Instead, he looked uncertain. Before I could question him about it, I felt someone walking in our direction. I turned around and everyone was suddenly hushed, watching me. Carl sat next to me.

"Rosie. We want you to know that ya'll can come with us. To D.C." he said.

I didn't know what to say. I made eye contact with Rick, who just nodded his head. My mouth hung slightly open as I searched for the words to use.

"We'll go," piped Tal from behind me.

I whipped around. "Tal!" The group was still watching me. "I… I appreciate your offer, but we'll have to think about it. Talk it through,"

"Alright," said Rick.

"We ain't waitin' on you, though," said Abraham.

I nodded. They all slowly went back to their separate conversations, but Carl stayed beside me.

"Tal is right. You should come with us," Carl said.

I was getting agitated. "Why?"

"Why not?" Carl said.

Tal sat up straighter. "Rosie, where else are we gonna go?"

"I don't know! Can we not have this conversation now?" I whisper-yelled at him.

"Well, think about it. Just know that I really think you should," Carl said before standing up and walking over to talk to Michonne.

Tal and I slipped outside to deliberate. We argued quietly for a long time, maybe thirty minutes. We came to somewhat of an agreement.

"Fine," I said, "If we still feel good about these people by the time they leave, we'll go. But if anything happens, we are out of here," I said.

"But-" Tal said

"Nuh-uh, no buts. What I say goes," I said.

"But why?" he whined.

"Because. Now shut up and…" I trailed off as I heard some rustling coming from the woods in front of the church. I grabbed Tal and pressed up against the side of the church, looking slowly around the corner. Some dark shapes moved in the very distance, but they were too far away to know what it was. It was most likely a corpse, so we went back inside.

We sat back down at one of the benches inside near the candlelight. I let Tal lay his bruised and swollen head in my lap, and I brushed his hair with my fingers until he fell asleep. I felt very lucky in that moment, with a full belly and a warm, dry place to sleep. For a moment I forgot about all the risks around me, all the potential catastrophes, and I felt myself become a little lighter. I leaned down and kissed Tal's forehead before moving out from under him. I put a rolled-up blanket under his head for a pillow. Looking around the room, I saw Carl playing with Judith on the floor. Carl's words about being friends came back to me and I don't know if it was because of my good mood or the lack of hunger, but I decided to be brave and go sit by him.

When I sat down, I smiled at Judith and she looked at me curiously.

"Say hi, Judith," Carl said, using his "talking to babies" voice.

I waved at her. She stared back. We were pretty much friends.

"Do you want to hold her?" Carl asked me.

I did. But I was afraid. There were things inside me-walls, wounds-that I didn't want to accidentally open. So I shook my head.

"Okay," Carl said as he bounced her on his knee.

"You're pretty good with kids," I said. I immediately regretted it, because what a dumb thing to say. "I mean, with her, at least," I added, and then felt dumber. And then decided to stop talking.

"Yeah, I kinda have to be," he said. For the first time, I noticed the absence of his mom. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before then.

I remembered Mrs. Grimes. She had long, beautiful brown hair and always smiled at me when I would play at Carl's house. She almost reminded me of my mother, to be honest. When I looked back up at Carl, I saw him anew. I saw him for the pain he had been through, a mirror image of my own. But I also saw he still had hope, and I didn't quite know why.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?" he said.

"Your mom."

"Oh… Thanks."

We left it at that.

At some point during the night, the group grew uneasy. Some of their people were missing. As soon as I heard, I mentioned to Rick the shapes I saw outside earlier, how they had made noises that made me suspicious. A few of them went out to look, then later came back in a loud panic, dragging in a badly injured Bob.

I watched wide-eyed from the pews at the chaos unraveling in the church. They all hovered around Bob. His leg was gone, and he was bitten on his shoulder.

As much as I wanted to distance myself from these people, I couldn't help but care what happened to poor Bob. He had been so nice. I flagged down Carl.

"Hey. What happened to him?"

"Some bad people got him, people from a place we just escaped from. A really…bad place," he said, being careful with his words.

I thought of the sign. "Terminus?" I asked.

He nodded, his wide brim covering his expression. I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. If the sign hadn't been painted on, Tal and I could have ended up there, in Terminus.

"And… his leg?" I asked softly, afraid of the answer.

"They ate it," Carl said.

I tried to say something, but couldn't. I wanted to be brave in the face of horrible things; it's not like they were unfamiliar to me. It seemed like I should have been unfazed by these things by then, but for some reason I wasn't. I felt the blood drain from my head and I had to sit down.

Poor Bob. He was going to die.

I knew that it was something that happened a lot those days, dying. But, no matter how many people died, I never stopped feeling it. I never could shield myself from the raw tragedy of it all. I wore the dead on my heart like a badge of grief to keep me up at night. I didn't know if this was a weakness or a strength, but I tended to think it was dangerous. Though… I suppose it kept me human.

For the second time that day, I almost started crying. Then the fear hit me. These people weren't safe. They were being followed, being picked off by some crazy cannibalistic kidnappers.

Abraham stood at the front of the church, saying he was going to take Eugene and go right then in the bus. In the middle of the commotion and argument that followed, I made a decision and walked up next to him.

"What're you doing, little girl?"

"I'm coming. And Tal," I said. "And don't call me that," I added as an afterthought.

"What?"

"I need to get us away from here. You people aren't safe. I'm coming," I said,

"Well, hold on a minute, let's talk this through," Rick said, "We can't leave during the night,"

"I'm going whether you come or not," Abraham said to Rick.

The argument got heated after that, and a fight almost broke out, but Glenn intervened and they came to an agreement that they would leave by morning.

I didn't want to wait until morning. There were bad people coming after them, and soon. I had to get out of there.

I whispered to Tal that we were going to escape. Before he could say anything, I shushed him and said it was non-negotiable.

While the group was tending to Bob, Tal and I snuck into the other room in the church and shut the door as quietly as we could. When we turned around, we saw that Judith was there, sound asleep. I watched her for a few seconds before motioning for Tal to get to work peeling up the floorboards. It took us a long time to get one of them up, because we had to be so quiet, but finally we made a hole big enough to slip through.

Suddenly, Judith woke up from her slumber and started crying loudly. Before we had a chance to cover or move anything, Carl was walking through the door and shutting it behind him. He instantly made eye contact with the hole in the floor and then me, and I felt the blood drain from my face.

"Rosie? What are you doing?"

"Carl, I-I gotta leave. I have no choice,"

"Are you crazy? You can't go out there! What are you gonna do? Where are you gonna go?"

"I don't know, it's not safe here," I said.

"There are people out there who will kill you if they find you. You can't leave," he said.

"Rosie, maybe we should stay," Tal said.

"If you stay with us, I promise we'll keep you safe," Carl said as he picked up the fussing baby Judith. The faint moonlight from the window reflected on his face while he bounced her on his hip. "This is the safest place you could possibly be."

I looked at the ground while I decided. I knew the answer was obvious, but I didn't want to accept the fate I had been dealt. "Alright," I said as I started putting the floor back together.

"Alright," Carl said.

Hours later, Tal and I were huddled in a room while we heard a group of people enter the church. A man's voice called out. He was one of the Terminus people.

"We know you're in here," he said, and then listed off all our names. He was getting close, almost to the door. Carl stood with his gun aimed at the door. Tal and I had our guns at the ready, too. I felt sick to my stomach.

I had to work hard to keep my breathing from becoming a sob. The panic was rising in me like a tide, so I clamped my hand over my mouth until I knew I could pull myself together. It had been a long time since I had felt so terrified, so trapped. Judith started fussing, and the man kept talking until he got to our door. I heard the man's gun tapping against the wood. Gunshots, two of them, rang out through the chapel. There was a terrible silence, then we heard Rick's voice. We heard them talking outside, and the bad men begged for their lives.

Carl picked up Judith and held her in his arms as the sounds of men being stabbed and beat to death surrounded us. It saturated the air, heavy and inescapable. Then it stopped.

When we came back out, the floors were stained with blood. Father Gabriel looked around, horrified.

"This is the Lord's house," he said weakly.

"No," Maggie spoke up, "It's just four walls and a roof."


	4. Chapter 4 - Home

**Chapter 4 - Home**

When the sun came up, most of them said their goodbyes to Bob. I waited in the doorway, not wanting to intrude. The others insisted that I could come in too. They told me that I was one of them now. It was uncomfortable and comforting at the same time. Bob died, and they buried him outside the church.

Then people started loading into the school bus, headed for D.C.

I had yet another choice to make. I sat outside on the church steps, twirling the stem of a leave between my fingers. Tal was at the door of the church, talking to Carl about something. They were smiling.

Abraham gave a map to Rick, then nodded over at me. "Hey, girlie. You comin'?"

I chewed on my lip, running through the pros and cons. I turned around to look at Tal, wondering what he thought. But when I saw him, he wasn't paying attention to me. I saw that Carl had handed baby Judith to him. He held her stiffly and awkwardly in his arms, but the look on his face was brand new and shining. Judith reached out and grabbed his nose, and he laughed goofily with his big, toothy grin. I smiled too.

"So, kid?"

I realized that Abraham was still waiting for an answer.

"We're staying," I said. The words came out before I even thought them.

Abraham and the others drove away in the bus, and I wondered if I had made a terrible mistake-if the feeling of belonging was not enough reason to stay in one place. I sat on the steps for a few more minutes, ripping up the leaf into little pieces and letting them flutter down between my feet. I reached with my fingers and dragged the jagged green confetti around on the step.

I arranged them into a word. _Home._

We stayed, just like I said. It was not exciting.

We busied ourselves with scavenging for a few hours, and came back with very little. When there was nothing else to do, I found a broken branch on the ground and started scraping it with my knife. I had been trying to teach myself how to whittle for a while, almost a year, but I hadn't made a whole lot of progress. So far my best work was a lumpy, star-looking thing.

Rick sat next to me while I carved. I felt self-conscious that he was watching me.

"You gotta angle the knife this way," he said, adjusting my knife for me, "That way you'll have more control. And you won't cut yourself."

"You know how to whittle?" I said, but it came out more defensive than I meant it to.

He nodded, running his hand over his upper lip to wipe the sweat from his mustache. "My Granddaddy taught me," he said.

I tried doing it the way he showed me, and found it was a lot easier. "Thanks," I said, almost under my breath, as I glanced over at him.

He nodded, and his expression warmed. He was always a lot less scary when he was smiling.

Evening came, sooner than I expected. I realized that I had not slept since my last night in the van. It seemed like such a long time ago. So much had happened since Tal and I found Rick's group. I was exhausted-the kind of exhausted that hits you so hard you can't hold on to your consciousness. I joined the group in making sure the church was secure, then sat down with them at the front of the chapel. I scooted back against the wall so I could see everyone. The candles were lit, and some people were talking, but I was too tired by then to notice too much of what was going on around me. Tal was asleep to my left and Carl was feeding Judith some canned pears to my right. The moonlight peeking through the window shutters illuminated my face and I could almost see it on the backs of my eyelids as I fell into a deep sleep.

I was awoken by sudden movement and loud voices. Prying my eyes open, I realized that I had fallen asleep on Carl's shoulder. He was sitting so close to me that the whole length of his arm was pressed against mine, and the back of my fingers grazed his wrist. Sleep blurred my vision and my brain, so that I was almost cozy in my half-awake state. I looked up into Carl's face for a few seconds, his eyes connecting with mine, before I remembered to be embarrassed about it. It was the first time I had been so close to him, close enough to touch, and for some reason I just wanted to look at him. I wanted to feel his breath on my forehead and count the freckles on his nose and study how the light reflected in his irises. I wanted to chart the moment like a map.

This all took place in that handful of seconds, and then the commotion snapped my attention back to what was happening. Some people had come, and I ran over to the entrance of the church to see.

"Is it Daryl and Carol? They back?" Carl asked the group as he jogged up behind.

Apparently not, because when he saw who had arrived his expression changed from relief to confusion to alarm.

Daryl, the crossbow-wielding motorcycle-looking dude, had with him a boy. He was probably a few years older than me, but still, he was a boy. Daryl explained that he had gone to Atlanta to rescue a girl named Beth, and that the hospital was holding Beth and Carol prisoner. The boy was named Noah, he had escaped from the hospital and they were going to go back.

Rick and everyone seemed very elated at this news, but none of it made any sense to me. I didn't know any of these people. I didn't know why a hospital would hold prisoners. None of it really concerned me until the majority of the group decided to join Daryl in the rescue mission. We were already low in numbers, and less people meant less safety against a corpse herd or other attacks. This little church was sturdy, but it wasn't as impenetrable as my previous home, the delivery van.

Once we had fortified the entrance of the church with organ pipes and other materials from the chapel, the rest of the group took off, leaving me, Talmadge, Carl, Michonne, Judith, and Father Gabriel. I knew that we could handle ourselves, but I still felt vulnerable.

Hours later, I was itching to get outside. The concept of boredom was foreign to me. I paced, I whittled, I napped, I paced some more. Eventually I ended up throwing knives at the wall with Carl while Judith took a nap. He twirled his knife around in his fingers, and I nodded over to him.

"Hey, can I see that?" I asked.

"Sure," he said. We switched knives for a couple throws just for fun.

"I like your knife," Carl said.

The knife had belonged to my dad, but I didn't want to say that to Carl, so I just said, "Thanks. Yours too."

After a few minutes I said, "So, who is Beth?"

He stopped mid-throw and put down his knife. "She was in our group, but she disappeared. We all thought she was dead," he said.

I nodded. "So, what happened to her?"

"I guess she was taken by some hospital people after we got split from the prison-"

"Prison?" I interrupted.

"Yeah, we lived in a prison for a while."

I must have looked confused, because he said, "Maybe I should start from the beginning."

I did want to know his story, and know how the group ended up here, but I didn't want to pry. Most of all, I hoped he wouldn't ask me any personal questions in return. Despite my reluctance, I could feel the ache of human connection creeping up on me, almost insatiable. There was something inside me beyond my control that yearned for a rare glimpse at emotional intimacy, especially now, with someone I felt almost safe with.

I nodded, showing that I was ready to listen.

He turned around and leaned back against the wall, arms folded in front of him. He seemed to be searching for where to begin.

"So, when it first began, my dad was in the hospital…"

He continued to share his story. I could tell at times that he was being careful with his word choice and skipped over large chunks. I couldn't blame him, because I would edit my story too if I told it to him. There were some parts I didn't want anyone to know but myself, and some parts that I didn't even want to remember.

He explained the RV, and Hershel's farmhouse. Which people joined along the way and which people died. When it came to his mom, he just said, "She died when Judith was born."

I hardly said a word as his history unfolded. Talmadge came to sit by me and he listened, too. Carl finished, with an "and so… yeah." I just nodded.

I had no idea what to say. Luckily, I wasn't at a loss for words for long because Tal beat me to the punch.

"So you had a crush on the Beth girl?" he asked, a notch too loud in the abandoned chapel.

I cringed with my whole body. Leave it to Tal to pick out the most unimportant and embarrassing part of Carl's entire story.

Carl laughed somewhat uncomfortably. "Yeah," he said. Then he added with a chuckle, "She was too old for me."

Suddenly, we heard shouting outside. It sounded like Father Gabriel, but I thought he was in his study. As it grew closer, I knew it was him, and all of us in the church looked at each other, alarmed and confused. We went to the door and Carl grabbed Judith. Gabriel was being chased by a group of corpses and they were all converging on the church. After getting Father Gabriel to safety, we had to fight our way back into the church. There were just enough people to kill them all. Almost a dozen dead walkers were strewn about, their deep black-red gore forming puddles on the hardwood. Reeling from all the excitement, we all paused to catch our breath for a moment. Michonne grilled Father Gabriel for going outside on his own. I agreed with her, and I wondered what in the world he was thinking.

Suddenly, a big, red _thing_ emerged from the road and plowed over some leftover walkers we had overlooked. The D.C.-bound group was back. Abraham, Maggie, Glenn, Eugene, Tara, and Rosita climbed out of the fire truck they arrived in and greeted us with a look that said "bad news."

Eugene had been lying to everyone. There was no cure. I mean, I hadn't really believed him but I still found myself feeling disappointed. Mostly it made me sad to see the looks on the faces of Michonne and Carl as they received the news. Michonne quickly recovered, however, and her face filled up with hope and anticipation as she found Maggie.

"Beth's alive," Michonne said with a smile. "She's at a hospital."

Maggie's face went slack with shock. Her voice was raw as she asked, "Do we know which one?"

Michonne nodded and said, "Grady Memorial." Maggie covered her face and gave Glenn a look of absolute joy as they embraced. Even I felt like I was witnessing a miracle, and I hardly knew what was going on.

The group wasted no time in loading into the fire engine again leaving full-speed-ahead for Atlanta. It felt very calm and quiet now that there was just six of us again. I looked around, noticing what a mess the church was.

"Alright, I'll take care of these corpses," I said, rolling up my sleeves and pulling a pair of old work gloves from my bag.

"You sure? There's a lot," Michonne said.

"Yeah, I need to get some air anyway," I said. I felt like I would suffocate if I spent one more hour sitting around in that church.

"Alright," Michonne said. She gave me directions to a ditch behind the church where I could dump the bodies.

"I'll help you," Tal said, almost automatically.

We started to prop open the door to drag a corpse outside.

"Wait!" Carl said, "I'll help."

He handed Judith to Michonne and asked her to watch her. Then he walked over to us and grabbed the corpse by the collar of its shirt so he could help move it.

"Talmadge, how 'bout you stay here and guard the door," Michonne suggested.

"But-"

"No buts," I told him with a smile, "Carl and I are stronger than you." I was teasing him, but it was true.

Tal rolled his eyes and took his place at the door, gun at the ready.

I took the feet of the corpse. We lifted together, awkwardly shuffling out the door and down the steps. The flesh on the corpse's ankles squished between my fingers and came off the bone as I dropped its legs on the steps.

"Sorry," I said, wiping my face with my sleeve. My hair clung to my face and hung in front of my eyes in dark, tangled ropes. I wondered why I hadn't chopped it all off a long time ago.

"S'okay," Carl said, dropping the upper half of the body.

"Kay, ready? One, two, three," I huffed as we hoisted the body and did our awkward shuffle down the rest of the stairs.

"We can drag it from here," Carl said. He put one hand on his hip and one up to adjust his hat.

We didn't talk much until we found the ditch. The corpse was a lot heavier than I had originally anticipated, and I was out of breath by the time we got to take a break. I made an irritated sound as I flipped my scraggly hair out of my face. I checked all the pockets on my utility jacket, searching for something to tie my hair back with. Finally, I just gave up.

We were just starting to walk back to the church when another corpse came too close to us and I had to stab it with my knife. Again, when I leaned over, my dark mop of hair obscured my face and when I brushed it out of my face, my blood-soaked fingers left streaks on my cheek. I wiped them off on my pants.

"You got anything I can tie my hair with?" I asked Carl.

"Uh," he checked his front and back pockets, "Will this work?"

He pulled out a long piece of blue yarn.

"Yeah, that'll work," I said. He held it out to me. "You sure you don't want it?" I asked. It could have many uses.

"Take it," he said.

I hoped that my gratitude was implied as I took the string and gathered my hair at the back of my head. My fingers were still slightly slick with blood, no matter how much I wiped them off. I tried walking with Carl while wrapping the yarn around my hair and tying it in a bow. It was too hard, so I had to stop walking to tie it. I struggled for a while before I got too frustrated to continue and just let my hair go back to its naturally wild state.

"Here," I said, handing the yarn back to Carl, "My hands are too wet."

"Well… Let me do it," he said, tilting his head to the side and moving towards me. Apparently it wasn't a question.

It seemed like something friends would do. This was my rationale as I turned my back to him and dragged my hair over my shoulders to the nape of my neck.

He took my dirty hair in both hands. The back of my neck was hot from dragging the corpse around, so that his warm fingers felt almost cool on my skin. He gathered all the loose strands of my hair, and I felt his fingertips drag across my throat and around my neck. It did not help my flushed temperature. I didn't know if it was my imagination or not, but I could've sworn that he took a few seconds longer to tie it than was necessary. I could've sworn that he froze there, hands and eyes on me, even if for a moment.

He tied it as tight as possible. I fiddled with my new ponytail for a few seconds, mostly to keep from looking Carl in the eyes. "Let's go," I mumbled, and we walked back to the church. On our way back, I felt as though things between Carl and I were ever so slightly, ever so slowly, shifting. I felt as though it was getting… nicer. More comfortable.

On reflection, I think this was the moment that I decided I belonged there. As stupid as it might be, and as insignificant as it might seem, I took the time during that short walk to split open my heart and decide that there might be room for one more person in it. Just like that, my entire world was different and bigger and scarier. All of my instincts were telling me to get far away, and fast, but it was too late. My heart was tied to this group, after only a few days, and it was all Carl's fault.


	5. Chapter 5 - People

**Chapter 5 - People**

The hours passed increasingly slower and slower. The once-clean church no longer smelled like dust and wood and silence. Now it was stained and filthy and ripped-apart.

Carl sat with his forearms resting on his knees. He turned to Michonne, who was sharpening a stick to his right. "Do you think they should have been back by now?" he asked, his voice dripping with unspoken worries.

Michonne gave him a reassuring look. "They'll be fine."

I was back to working on my whittling skills. Tal was sitting next to me, with his legs outstretched and his arms folded in his lap. I knew he was exhausted, and it was just a matter of time until he nodded off. With Judith asleep, it was ridiculously peaceful in there. I took off my boots to let my sore feet breathe. I knew I stunk, but so did everyone else. I doubt any of us could remember the last time we had a shower.

After a few minutes, Michonne said she was going out to look for water, and she took Father Gabriel with her. I thought she was just looking for an excuse to get out and maybe interrogate Gabriel a little. I couldn't blame her, and in fact I was envious that she got to leave.

While my mind was drifting, Carl came to sit next to me. I wasn't expecting it, and I tried to cover up the quickening of my heartbeats by acting as casual as possible. Carl pointed to the lump of wood I was scraping at absentmindedly with my knife.

"What's that supposed to be?" he asked.

It was originally supposed to be a bear, but it didn't resemble a bear in the slightest. "I don't even know," I answered him with a sigh.

I heard a snore sound and turned to see that Tal had succumbed to his sleep. I stretched my legs out and led his head to rest in my lap where he would be more comfortable. In his sleep, he flailed his arm and nearly socked me in the face. Carl laughed quietly while I held down Tal's arm until he drifted into a deeper sleep.

"He moves a lot in his sleep," I said to Carl, as if it needed explaining.

"What happened to your leg?" Carl asked seemingly out of nowhere.

"What? What do you mean?" I said, confused. I wondered if I had accidentally snagged my leg on a branch or something as I inspected my jeans.

"On your ankle," Carl said, pointing.

I realized what he meant before my eyes found what he was pointing at. Between the fabric of my worn sock and frayed pant leg, my bare skin was marked by a dark pink scar that circumscribed my whole ankle.

"Oh, that's nothing," I said quickly, trying to cover it up with my other foot but finding it difficult with Tal on my lap.

"It doesn't look like nothing," Carl said. He was starting to flare up my nerves.

"It's nothing," I said firmly.

I could feel Carl looking at me, but I was too afraid to meet his gaze.

"What happened to you?" he said, his whisper sounding oddly loud in the still chapel.

"Don't," I said. My voice was dangerously unsteady. I dared to meet his eyes and said it again. "Don't."

He pressed his lips together and his eyes flickered over different parts of my face, reading my expression. "Okay."

We sat back and watched the sun grow faint in the windows of the church until Michonne and Father Gabriel got back.

The next few days were a whirlwind of bad news. Just when I thought this group couldn't possibly suffer any more, another tragedy would strike. They took blow after blow. Beth didn't make it back, she had been killed at the hospital. They took Noah to his home in Richmond, but everyone there was gone. Tyreese died.

After the funeral for Tyreese, spirits were lower than I had ever seen in the group. Tyreese, in the few days that I had known him, had been good to Tal and I. He was selfless and kind, and he didn't deserve the ending he got. I mourned for him, but I almost felt like I didn't deserve to. The others had known him so much more than I. I couldn't even fathom what Tyreese's sister, Sasha, was going through. She lost Bob and Tyreese within the span of a few days. I could see in her face that she felt alone, cut off from the world, and angry. To be honest, it kind of frightened me, because I could see myself in it.

There was nothing left for us where we were, so we all stuffed inside a big van and headed towards D.C. There wasn't a whole lot of room in the van, and some of us had to sit against the back doors. Since Carl, Talmadge, and I were the youngest, we were bestowed with the nosebleed seats. It was so cramped that I had to sit with my knees to my chest. One side of the van was lined with supplies, so pretty much everyone was squeezed in there really tight.

"You sure I can't just lay on one of you?" I called from the back as Michonne shoved more things onto the supply pile.

She smiled. "No," she said as she slammed the back door behind me.

I was a lot more bothered than I probably should have been when I didn't sit next to Carl. Instead Carl sat on the other side of Tal, sandwiching my brother between the two of us.

"Is everybody alright?" Rick called from the front. We all murmured a "yeah." I got a feeling of nostalgia, like we were all going on a family road trip. Except way less fun.

I only made it about 5 minutes into the trip before my eyes began to wander over to where Carl was sitting with his head tipped back and his hat over his face. His chest rose and fell steadily under his crossed arms and cotton shirt. His side of the van had a little bit more room, so his long, thin, jean-clad legs were crossed and folded in front of him. His knee was the closest thing to me, and I felt the weirdest urge to reach over Tal and touch the hole his knee had made in his jeans. It was amusing to think of what he would do if I did. Lost in thought, I suddenly realized that Tal was watching me quizzically. I had been staring unblinkingly at Carl and no doubt I looked insane to him. My face betrayed my embarrassment but I played it off as cool as I could.

An hour passed, and we parked the van for a quick potty break. Everyone groaned as we struggled to stand and stretch our legs. I wandered into the woods and checked for walkers before leaning against a tree to pee. Lots and lots of practice has made me a veritable expert in the art of outdoor peeing. The only problem was, I wasn't used to being around so many people, and I almost yelled out when Eugene wandered into my area as I was pulling up and zipping my jeans.

"Whoops! I beg your pardon," Eugene said as he quickly turned around and walked a different direction.

I went back to the van feeling slightly awkward but mostly agitated that I couldn't even do my business in peace. Being around people was exhausting. I waited around for everyone to pile in and then started to climb in myself, but Tal stopped me.

"Hey, Rosie, do you think you could trade me spots? Please? My legs are cramping from sitting in the middle," he said. Now, usually the burden of The Middle Seat befell to the youngest, but Tal was getting to be an inch or two taller than me, so I caved.

"Fine! Whatever," I said.

I settled in next to Carl, his folded leg flush with the side of my thigh. I accidentally elbowed him as I tried to get comfortable, and I mumbled out a "sorry." He responded by looking over at me silently.

"Everybody in?" someone called from the front seat. We were all there, so we hit the road.

The rhythmic rumble of the tires was soothing; everyone in the car started to nod off, one by one. I let Tal sleep on my shoulder. I wished I could sleep too, but I was too busy being hyper-aware of Carl's presence-how his shoulder bumped into mine when we drove over ruts in the road, or how I could feel the warmth radiating off his body. I sat with my knees slightly tucked in and my hands on the tops of my thighs. After a while, my butt started to hurt, so I sat up a bit and then stretched my arms over my head with a big yawn. In the process of stretching, I accidentally knocked Carl's hat straight off of his head.

"Oh, sorry," I said, "Did I wake you?"

"No, I wasn't asleep," he said. It was the first time he had said anything to me all day. In fact, he hadn't said much to anyone but his dad since he found out about Beth. It was obvious that the news hit him hard. I wanted to make him feel better, to erase the all the loss, but I knew it was out of my control. Everyone in the van was broken and grief-stricken and there was nothing that could be done about it. Basically, things sucked.

Carl put his hat in his lap. I had never seen it anywhere but on his head. It was his father's, or at least that's what I assumed. I didn't know why he had it, though.

"I like your hat," I said, so suddenly that I was almost surprised I said it. It was true, I did like his hat, but I still felt stupid for saying it. I sounded like a little kid, or a flirty girl trying to impress her crush. I was neither of those things.

"Thanks," he said, and to my surprise, he smiled a little bit. "I do too."

His smile faded again.

I finally told him what I actually wanted to say. "I'm sorry about Beth," I said, talking low enough that only he could hear.

He looked straight ahead and folded his arms over his chest, gripping his elbows with his palms. His eyebrows pulled together slightly. "She wasn't my girlfriend or anything," he said.

"I know. She was your friend." I reached over and placed my hand on his arm. He bent his head forward, no doubt trying to cover his face and the fact that his eyes were wet.

When he looked up again, his fingers shifted, so that his fingertips were barely brushing mine. I immediately wanted to pull away, but I didn't. Then, and this freaked me out a little, he continued to slide his fingers over mine until his hand covered all of my knuckles. In my mind, it signified that he was accepting the reassurance I was trying to give him. I'd like to say that was the _only_ thing on my mind, but in actuality I was mostly thinking about how warm his hand was and how much longer his fingers were than mine. It was so unexpected, so new. His touch felt somehow different than all other people, like somehow his skin was made of something genetically engineered to drive me mad and fuzz up my common sense. I froze in place, afraid that if I moved everything would topple like a house of cards. He turned his head towards mine, and I could feel his eyes watching my face as I deliberately looked away. After a few seconds of fighting myself, I lifted my gaze to meet his. The muffled light of the van dulled his blue eyes to where they looked almost black. I could feel his soft breath on my face. He was getting so close that when he breathed in, a strand of my hair stuck to his lips. _His lips…_

Wait, what was happening? It was too close, too much. My body retreated, pulling my eyes down and sliding my hand out from under his. My palm was sweaty, and I wiped it on the back of my thigh as I cooled off my racing thoughts by looking around the van. My eyes made contact with Eugene, who had been watching me for who knows how long. He immediately broke his gaze and looked to Tara, who only gave him an inside-joke kind of look and stifled a laugh. So, they both had been watching me.

 _Ugh._ People were exhausting

An hour or so later, the van sputtered to a stop. We were 60 miles away from D.C.

By then, the sun had already gone down and everyone was too tired to think. That night, most of us slept in the van while a few of us (like Rick and Daryl and Sasha) took shifts being a lookout. Tal and I were slumped against each other in the back corner of the van and Carl went to be by Judith. I forced myself to think of more important things than how much I wanted to be by Carl again.

The next morning, we rationed out our food as strictly as we could, but there was no denying that we would not last long with the supplies we had, especially with that many people. We waited by the van while a few of the group went out to find water. When they came back empty-handed, it was time for us to start walking.

The road was a never-ending stretch of sun-baked hell. The blurred line between the pavement and the hot air was the only thing I could look at as I put one foot in front of the other over and over and over. I could feel the sweat pouring down the back of my neck and pooling in the elastic of my worn-out sports bra. Tal trailed close next to me, his shoes making loud scraping noises. Next to him was Noah and Carl. They looked as sweaty as I felt. I took off my utility jacket and tied it around my waist in an effort to cool down.

Eventually Tal couldn't take the boredom and monotony. He turned to me and said, "Guess what I'm thinking of?"

I gave him a look that said _not now_ , but the thought that maybe playing twenty questions would make things a little easier made me humor him.

We had this game down to a science. The person had exactly twenty questions to guess what it is, and they could only guess a specific thing twice before they lose. We usually admitted defeat and then used way more than twenty questions.

Tal was thinking of owl pellets, and I guessed it with the first 14 questions. Then he and Noah started to play. It was obvious to me that Noah was an amateur, but as they discussed which type of bodily fluid Noah was thinking of, I laughed so hard I almost fell over. Maybe I was just going crazy from heat exhaustion and starvation.

I was listening so intently to Tal and Noah that I almost forgot Carl was there. I jumped when he nudged my arm with his bony elbow.

"Hey, you wanna play?" Carl asked.

"What?"

"Do you wanna play?" he repeated as he gestured to Noah and Tal's game of twenty questions.

"Sure, you know how?"

He pressed his lips together in an almost-smile. "I'm pretty sure I can handle it."

He took a second to look around and decide on a thing. He let me know when he was ready.

"Alright, is it real?" I said, keeping a tally of my questions on my fingers.

"What do you mean, 'is it real'?" He said, giving me a confused squint.

"I mean, is it a real-life thing? Not imaginary?"

"Oh yeah, yeah. It is."

"Okay. Is it an animal?"

"Sorta."

"What do you mean, 'sorta'? It's yes or no!" I said. "Are you sure you can handle this?" I raised my eyebrows in amusement.

"Alright, alright! Yes, it's an animal." I could see a smile trying to break through his expression. We fell into step as I asked more questions, watching our feet as we walked.

"Okay. Does it live on land?"

"Yes."

"Is it a mammal?"

"Yes."

"Is it a person?"

"Yes."

I was on a roll! Five questions in and I had already narrowed it down to a person. "Is it a specific person or just people in general?"

"A specific per-… Hey wait, only yes or no questions!" He said, looking up from his feet to meet my eyes.

"Oh right! Rookie mistake," I said, smiling. "Is it someone you know in real life?"

"Yes."

I was getting close. "Is it a boy?"

"No."

"Is she here in this group?" I asked.

"Yeah."

Easy-peasy. I looked at the different women in the group. "Does she have dark skin?"

"No."

"Oh! Is it Judith?" I said, excitedly, thinking I had just had a breakthrough.

His face looked a little satisfied as he said, "No."

Dang! Now I only had one guess left, "Does she have… short hair?"

"No," he said. He watched me while I was thinking.

The only one left was Rosita, but to be sure I asked, "Does she have her hair tied?" I made the shape of her ponytails with my hands.

"Yeaaah," he said lazily, his eyes staying on me until I got uncomfortable. I thought he was messing with me on purpose to make me squirm.

Well, two could play at that game. I already knew it was Rosita, so I could use my remaining seven questions just to mess with him. "Does she have, like, really good boobs?" I said, face straight and eyes challenging.

His eyes widened for a second before he cracked up, holding his stomach with his arm and bending over a little. He wouldn't look at me as he said, "Uhh, I don't know."

"It's yes or no!" I said, enjoying his discomfort.

"Um, I don't know if you want me to answer that."

"Just answer!"

"Then, uh, yes." He said, a barely-contained grin trembling on his lips.

I let out a few laughs and barreled ahead. "Do you think she's hot stuff?"

"Oh come on!" His face was getting red.

"Answer!" I commanded.

"No!"

"Do it!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Alright," he said, his hands raised up slightly. "Then yeah." He looked embarrassed, but also amused, like he was the one teasing me. I was caught off guard and slightly confused by how confidently he answered, but I wasn't letting him off the hook yet.

"Are you hopelessly in love with her?" I said, so seriously that it was obvious I was teasing him.

He laughed and looked at the sky while he licked his lips. Then he shook his head slightly and said, "I don't think we're thinking of the same person."

I could feel my confidence slip away. "It's Rosita right?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized. It was me. I instantly felt so stupid that I hadn't guessed sooner.

"No," Carl said.

My step faltered a bit. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this embarrassed. I tried to brush it off like nothing but my face told it all. All I could say was, "Oh."

Carl smiled at me in a way that can only be described as smug and elongated his step so he would go ahead of me. As he passed me he said, "I win."


	6. Chapter 6 - We're Still Here

**Chapter 6 - We're Still Here**

As we walked, the dead gathered behind us. More and more collected, following the sounds of each other and of the crying baby Judith in Carl's arms. Carl walked just a few feet in front of me, trying to sooth Judith as she writhed in his arms. The poor thing was hot and hungry. I tried to help by fanning her with the thin blanket they carried her with.

Many hours later, as the group sat taking a break after searching some cars, a pack of dogs wandered out from the woods. Before some of us could even react, Sasha shot them all dead. Rick almost immediately went to work, breaking sticks to roast them with and then skinning and cleaning them.

As we roasted pieces of dog meat over the fire, I could see the look on Noah's face. He tried to hide it, but I could tell he thought we were disgusting. He didn't see things the same way as someone like me. I saw those dogs as nothing short of a miracle, a way to get the protein we all desperately needed. Besides, I had eaten worse. It's what you had to do in order to stay alive.

 _He has a lot to learn_ , I thought as I watched Noah turn his back to us.

After we ate, we started walking again. We got slower as the sun got lower in the trees. Our water bottles were down to a few inches of water. My throat was so dry that it hurt to breathe, but I didn't dare ask someone for a drink. Through my muddled thoughts I could only piece together a few phrases at a time. _Not gonna make it. Keep going. Farther. Farther. Farther._

Eventually we came upon a bunch of water bottles and jugs sitting in the middle of the road. On a clean, white piece of paper were written the words "FROM A FRIEND" in bold, black letters. I was so thirsty that I almost reached for a bottle, but I knew better. I knew why we couldn't take them. Survival wasn't about trusting strangers.

We stood around, staring at the water with our weapons at the ready while Rick held the note in his hand. Daryl emerged from the woods and Rick handed him the note to show him what was going on.

"What else are we gonna do?" Tara asked Rick.

"Not this," he answered while he looked around. "We don't know who left it."

Eugene piped up. "If that's a trap, we already happen to be in it. But I, for one, would like to think it is indeed from a friend."

Carol looked at him skeptically. "What if it isn't? What if they put something in it?"

Without warning, Eugene lunged at the water.

"What are you doing, dude?" Tara exclaimed.

"Quality assurance," he said, unscrewing the cap and lifting the bottle to his lips.

Quick to act, Abraham stepped out and slapped the bottle from Eugene's hand, spraying water everywhere. He gave Eugene a stern look and backed away.

"We can't," Rick insisted.

Just then, a low rumble sound emerged from the thickly clouded sky. I looked up, realizing that it was thunder. Small pattering sounds came from the leaves above us and all at once a shower of water came down on us. I couldn't believe it. A laugh of pure glee rose out of my throat as I grabbed Tal's arm and raised my face to welcome each drop of rain. Tal spread his arms up to the sky, as if he was thanking the clouds, and twirled around a few times. I looked to Carl. He was catching the rain in his mouth, his eyes squeezed shut and his hand cradling Judith's head to his chest. The rain quickly formed pools on the asphalt beneath us. I joined Tara and Rosita, who were both laying on their backs on the ground, soaking the back of my clothes from head to toe. I closed my eyes and put my arms above my head, feeling the sensation of each raindrop as it pricked my skin. The rain came down harder and harder and I let out a relieved breath. Rick told us all to grab anything we could find and fill it up with water.

I stood up next to Carl and outstretched my hand, offering to grab his water bottle to fill up with rainwater. He didn't move for a few seconds; he just peered out from over Judith's little head. His eyes lingered on something below my chin before he reached in his back pocket, handed me his plastic bottle, and turned away. I could feel soaked tendrils of hair sticking to my face and neck as I looked down, following where Carl's eyes had been looking. Rain dripped off my chin and onto my shirt… wait, my shirt! My pale yellow tank top had been thoroughly soaked through to the point of complete transparency, meaning every layer I was wearing between my body and everyone's eyes was useless. Immediately, I folded my arms over my chest. I caught a few other people staring at the prominent scars visible through my shirt on my midriff. Muttering to myself, I yanked my utility jacket from my waist and shoved my arms through the sleeves.

The rain and thunder picked up, getting more windy with every passing second. The faces around me grew serious. Carl took off his hat to shield Judith while she cried.

"Let's keep moving," Rick shouted, staring at the oncoming weather. It was hard to hear him over the pounding storm.

"There's a barn!" Daryl said.

"Where?" Rick asked.

Daryl pointed in the direction and led us through the damp woods. We trudged through mud and underbrush and eventually came to a small, abandoned barn. Rick burst through the door and they scoped it out. They found one walker in a side room and killed it, then the rest of us came in.

Twenty minutes later, a wonderful little fire was crackling inside the dark, wet barn. I pulled out my notebook and pocket scriptures from my wet jacket and set them out to dry. I checked to make sure none of the writing had been smudged away, but the damage was mostly on the covers. Then I swept away the rocks and evened out some hay on the ground next to me to make a comfortable place for Tal to sleep. I told him to lay down, then stroked his hair until his breathing slowed and he started to lightly snore. The sound of the rain and thunder was equally comforting and concerning. I wondered if it would keep going all night.

My eyelids felt heavy but I knew I was far from sleep. When I looked around the room, I saw Carl laying down with Judith in his arms. He was sound asleep. The warm light from the fire illuminated his peaceful expression. I don't think I had ever seen him look so calm.

Suddenly, I realized that I had been listening to Rick talking with the others. I caught bits and pieces about his grandpa and the war. I strained my ears to hear more clearly what was being said.

"... So I asked if the Germans ever tried to kill him," Rick said. There was no sound but his voice and the rain. "But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped into enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, 'Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war.' And then after a few years of pretending he was dead… he made it out alive."

I squinted my eyes to see everyone by the fire. They were all staring into the flames, their expressions blank.

Rick continued. "That's the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do, and _then_ we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we'll be okay. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves… that we are the walking dead."

A silence fell in the barn. A gust of wind slipped through the cracks of the barn walls and shivered up my back.

Daryl shook his head slightly. "We ain't them," he said. He stood up slightly, breaking up some branches.

I closed my eyes. _No, we're not_ , I thought. I started slipping into sleep.

 _We're not._

I woke up in a panic. There was a loud commotion by the door to the barn. Feet rushed around me, running to the scene. I sat up, and saw that the door was bouncing inwards, being cracked open by the dead trying to get inside. Immediately, I woke up Tal and raced to the crowded door. I saw Carl put down Judith and join in. It was dark, so I quickly found something-anything-to push against and pushed. I could hear the growls and snarls of the corpses just a few feet away. Rain sprayed at my face through cracks in the door. My feet dug in the dirt as I used all the strength that I possessed to keep that door closed. I felt hands on my back, urging me to push harder. The thunder was deafening. Lightning flashed. The chains on the door strained and rattled. We were all sweat and desperation, working as one for one purpose only: to live.

 _We can make it. We will. We have to._

When I opened my eyes, it was morning. Everyone was scattered on the floor around the barn door. After such an exhausting night, I was surprised at how early I was awake.

My whole left side of my body was sore from sleeping on the hard ground. I rolled over, expecting Tal to be right beside me, but instead it was Carl, sleeping on his back. I held still, not wanting to wake him, and realized that Tal was at my feet. Carl's hands were resting on his stomach and they rose and fell with each breath he took.

Carl was starting to wake up. His eyes opened and looked around for a few seconds before he turned his head and met mine. The clear morning light slipped through the cracks in the barnwood and highlighted his face. Neither of us said a word for a handful of seconds.

"We're still here," I whispered.

He took a long breath. "We're still here."

We both pretended to be asleep until everyone else woke up.


End file.
